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Sexual communication and erotic mapping.

It can be difficult for women to communicate to their partners what really does it for us in bed. We know we do not want to hurt our men’s feelings and we do not want to sound like drill sergeants.

Part of the issue is the language we have about our body parts. There are the silly words our parents used because they were embarrassed themselves to say anything about our “down there”, or clinical words we use at the doctor, or porn words. Many women do not find any of these options very appealing when wanting to convey something they need or desire. Many women just make do with what they get and learn to accommodate.

In Sanskrit ,the language of Tantra, we have words that invoke honor and respect and are definitely more elegant when wanting to talk to our partners.

For the vagina we use the word Yoni and it translates into the sacred space. Imagine having a sacred space instead of a “v jay jay” or “chootchie”, or a cunt. Ladies we create the universe in our bodies and our yoni is the gateway to many things: life, birth, pleasure, pain, grief, joy, healing and so much more.

Part of our yoni is the pearl (clitoris) and I think it is so much sexier to ask my partner if he would polish my pearl than to touch my clit.

We call the anus the lotus blossom and there can be much wisdom in this area of our body as we frequently feel such taboo here. Even if you do not want to engage in full on anal play you can get a lot of out being gently touched on the outside and have the whole area massaged by your partner.

I prefer the word breasts to other words as our breasts are a connection to our heart and when we are gently and lovingly caressed there we can access such wonder, love and intimate connections to our partner.

Now of course we do not want to leave the men out of this honoring and elegant language either.

The mighty phallus has more other names than anything else in the world. Penis, cock, dick, one eyed snake, jack jonhson, ram rod of love, the pussy terminator, the lizard, the love muscle, and on and on.

And although men have an easier time using such words there is no reason to not have a feeling of honor and respect about their most precious assets.

In Sanskrit we use the words vajra, which is translated as thunderbolt, or lingham which is the wand of light. Imagine men having a wand of light (kind of like a light saber) to use for loving and pleasure as well as healing. Your testicles we call your jewels and you too have a lotus blossom.

It is not my intent to take away anything from you and if you do indeed enjoy other words and feel good about them, go ahead and use them. I do however want you to give these others a try and see how they feel to you. We all know that words have power and associations as well as have memories and create feelings.

What do you want to create in the bedroom with your lover? I like to have many tools at my disposal and words are ones that can alter mood and create or break an experiences, especially with women. Some say a woman’s pearl is actually in her ear and a man who is great at pillow talk can help a woman move to great heights of pleasure.

Now that we have some different language to use how do we go about letting our lovers know how we loved to be touched?

We call this erotic mapping and it is done as a separate thing to sex. It is a playful exploration between the two of you with the express purpose of communicating authentically in a way that focuses on the positive.

This can be done for both partners, just take turns, and it goes like this.

The partner that is receiving lays back in a reclined position, this is done with good lighting, or many candles. The partner that is exploring gets into a position where they are comfortable (perhaps sitting up) and can see the receivers body well. Start with some connections like eye gazing together and some simple expressions of love.

Sometimes this can be scary or tense for the receiver as they may never have had their body looked at so openly when not in the throes of sex.

The giver in a loving and gentle way will start touching and exploring the receiver’s body, everywhere but the breasts or genitals. The giver will use positive words to express their enjoyment of touching their lover and how good they look and feel.

The receiver will give feedback, “I love when you touch me just like that” or “would you touch a little more/less firmly”

In a positive way give feedback back and forth. Remember this is not foreplay right now (though at a different time you can do that) this is about open communication and exploration. Be open to express exactly what is working for you and what is not, although never be harsh with your words.

As you relax you can move to the breasts/chest and continue there. It may be that your lover has been touching you in a way that has not pleased you for a long time and you are scared to say that. Focus on stating what you really love. “hmm honey I would love it if you touched me like this” and show them with your hand… remember then to give them kudos and affirmation of how much you love that.

We all want to please our partners and we cannot read each other’s minds so speak up. The giver might say. “I am touching your breasts and I adore the way your nipples look and respond to my touch”. Lead them on your journey of with you.

Move on to your yoni/lingham and do the same things, keep in mind that many women do not know exactly what you are doing when you touch their yoni’s so tell them. “I love your smell and I am running my fingers along your outer lips, up and down.  The receiver can respond, “I am enjoying that, let’s try a little softer/faster/ slower/ harder. Yes, that’s it right there, oh yes that is very good.”

Go ahead and continue on this exploration. Spend about an hour, remembering this is not about performance and getting off. This ritual is about learning, exploring and communicating with each other positively, lovingly and playfully.

You can do this ritual called erotic mapping whenever you want and remember to keep doing it because our bodies and needs change over time, and as we get more comfortable so will the depth of our communication.

The next time you make love you will see the pay off in better connection, communication and overall pleasure. Have fun!

By Tanja Diamond

www.learningtantra.com