Tanja and Classical Tantra Part 1- Blog
My story on finding Classical Tantra and becoming a holder of 3 ancient lineage of Classical Tantra is quite involved, a maze of twists and seemingly surreal experiences. My master was the last of his kind. His knowledge of Classical Tantra pre-dates most of the Tantra we know today, before Hindu Tantra, Buddhist Tantra and before the Gupta Empire. Long before anyone was writing about it and its meaning.
Learning Classical Tantra as a modern white woman was the hardest thing I have ever done. Little in my foundation prepared me for the journey and if not for some innate gifts I would not have survived the experience mentally, physically or energetically.
To say it changed my life is the ultimate understatement, much like a fish that becomes an air breather. It did give me the foundation I needed to head out on the mission I knew was mine, since around the time I was 6. I received messages in dreams about helping people feel authentically, to connect to their truth and divinity. I didn’t even know what that meant at the time.
The undertaking of finding a true Classical Tantra teacher, proving myself, learning, experiencing the destruction of my constructed reality, dying and resurrecting (ego) and ultimately experiencing truth and the vibration of the universe all before I was 24 was monumental and could never have been accomplished in real time as we know it.
He and the masters before him had spent most of their lives in hiding, hiding because they held the mysteries of the universe in their bodies and had spent centuries being hunted down and killed.
The chances of me finding one of these masters is not quantifiable as my master had never had a student in his 140+ years ( and I think he was lying about his age.. he was much much older) and told me he had been waiting for me.
My journey into Classical Tantra happened early and before I really even understood what I was looking for. At some point I came to notice a voice that spoke to me and a pull towards it. I had always known since I can remember that there was something out there for me to understand about myself and the world around me. I was endlessly curious about why all things mimicked each other in one regard or another.
I have always seen matter as a vibration of color; not as solid objects, I actually had to learn about what solid was, to me it was all degrees of density of light passing through. I found that by shifting vibration I could change the way things appeared. Of course talking to adults about it lead me to realize it was important to act as thought I had the same experiences as they did.
As I got older I stuffed down my childhood abilities, numbed them, and did not acknowledge them because it seemed dangerous to do so.
All through high school I worked on serious matters of science, all the while really trying to explain why things seemed to be so different to me than for everyone else. When I did step outside the box and explore “mystical” things it seemed everyone tied to it was flakey or delusional. I came to the conclusion I must be mental ill.
I saw several therapists and scared them. Scared them because after I told them what I was seeing and feeling I told them about their issues as well. One told me there was no way I could know the things I knew about him, and he wanted me out of his office right away. He actually backed up against a wall to get as far away from me as possible. The other one, though clearly freaked out was also fascinated. He quizzed me more and gave me some tests, lots of them. He told me he did not think I was mentally ill, but he said he could also not explain what was going on.
He referred me to a friend of his who was a researcher. We did more tests, and there was never an explanation of why I could read people like I could, or why I saw and felt things like I did. He did tell me that he agreed I should be careful about who I told.
I was very scientific minded and analytical having had my mind trained by people who thought genius should harnessed and used for things that were reasonable. However all around my periphery seemed to be things that appeared mystic and just plain out there.
After high school the voices calling grew stronger again and it was getting hard to ignore.
Being I am a Scorpio you know that death and sex will come into play in this story and it is through sex that I come to find some answers to my questions, and though it seemed I found Tantra because of sex, it has always been there for me.
When I started having sex, I found it to be dismal, a primal act, that though felt good, seemed to lack the depth of what I somehow knew existed. I knew somewhere deep inside that the act of creation should mimic the immensity of a metamorphosis.
When I talked to others about how I felt I would be ridiculed and called a hippie or some new age freak. It was clear that thinking and feeling as I did was not at all credible.
One day in a park I was approached by a man who felt energetically different than anyone I had ever experienced. We met and spent a weekend together. While he never actually took his pants off, we made love like I had never experienced, although knew was possible.
We met at a level of energy; even without touching I could feel him, on me, in me, everywhere. He asked me where I had studied and I did not understand what he meant. He explained that he had studied energy for the last 12 years in India from a classical master and assumed I had as well because my level of presence was so attuned and my ability to utilize energy was even better than his.
I was able to talk with him about my experiences and he helped me understand what I was going through. For the first time in my life I did not feel so alone and I knew this was the start of understanding who I was and why I was here. I told him of the voice that used to call to me when I was young and asked what he made of it. He suspected it was my teacher and he encouraged me to seek him/her out.
He gave me the name of a Native American man to speak with about mediation and visioning. I started there and learned to focus on the voice and start to bring in other clues about where this person was. I had no idea what country he was in or what he looked like. I could feel him and hear him and that was it. Having had no mystical or spiritual training I did not have the lingo to explain or speak about most things that were going on. Lucky for me the Native American elder was an amazing person and was just who I needed. We spoke through energy most of the time. He told me he had never met someone so young with these abilities and had only talked with his teacher in this way. Again I felt a little less lonely.
At this time I did not know I was looking for a master of Tantra, I did not even know what Tantra was. If I had it would have hindered my journey because in the US Neo Tantra was on the move and I may have been pulled towards that and completely missed the most important lessons in my life.
About this time I started having serious nightmares that soon came to inhabit my meditations as well. A feeling of impending doom the closer I was to finding my teacher. I was not sure if I was being told to not go, or if there was something trying to keep me from him….. Read more soon